One of the biggest obstacles that I have encountered since being diagnosed with major depression and post traumatic stress disorder is my disconnect lack of concentration, inability to feel enjoyment and intrusiveness. Apparently my mind lost room for anything but traumatic experiences, which I’m oftentimes, trapped awake. I had no idea why it took me so long to read a few pages of a book or why I had to re-read those same pages or how I made it home driving from point A to B. I had no idea why I couldn’t even sit down in my group session to write a thought when others were communicating their thoughts in matters of minutes.
My traumatic experiences began when I was just nine years old. I went through life with little to no memories of my early events. I struggle everyday to hang tight to my positive mentally, push through; to focus on the task at hand and most ...view middle of the document...
Upon being evaluated I had to answer questions as to what brought me to their services. Again my pipes began to leak as though something had broke. I remember telling the social worker of my circumstances. My chest of aching as though I just got hit my truck. Once again, the pounding heart, tunnel vision, shaking hands, and inexplicable fear for my safety settled in.
I’d suffered my first panic attack weeks prior to April but was now aware of that same feeling taking over. My reaction to what I was going through was that I feel like I want to go to sleep for a long time but I would eventually like to wake up: not knowing the message that transmits. From there I was introduced to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me, informed me of medications and ask about my wiliness to take them.
I was placed in a voluntary unit for I felt driving home would be a difficult task that day which lasted for 13 days. I suffered horrific flashbacks and nightmares. I had hallucinations of voices and images. I saw violent images every time I closed my eyes. I was unable to fall asleep without being medicated and even while medicated I would awake in sweat and panic reeling from danger lurking at each corner.
I lost all ability to concentrate or even complete simple tasks. I was unable to drive due to anxiety and had to pull over for several minutes to do my breathing exercise to get a hold of myself. I began to avoid things that seemed to trigger my panic attacks being in confined spaces, being in crowds, talking about my trauma, etc.: but it didn’t matter: My panic would stop at nothing. I’d feel as if I have completely loss my mind at times. How did I manage to keep things together for so long? May 2014 was one of the worst days of my life of which I still can’t freely speak about. I’m taking my medication and undergoing behavioral therapy. I hope to one day live a normal life as possible.
The most important things I know are that there are people selected to help each individual to cross their hurdles and accepting someone’s help can be life changing and empowering.