Self Introspection Essay

1459 words - 6 pages

My Jolly Jaunt in Hell

I had just returned from my military training in the winter of 2007 and was thoroughly enjoying my freedom from Air Force TI’s and waking up at 5:00 am just to march to chow in a formation of a hundred others. My weekends were now filled with the company of friends, alcohol, and chasing women; instead of ironing uniforms or polishing combat boots for inspection. What more could a man ask for in life? Everything was fine, just fine, and I had no reason to believe that something sinister was looming on my horizon. I was unaware that the jolly time train I had boarded was destined on a collision course with an unstoppable and immovable force. There would be no ...view middle of the document...

She was pretty, fun, and I enjoyed her company. At the time I had no reason not to pursue the relationship further. After a few months of chasing I was content to give up and concede that Maria and I would never be more than casual acquaintances. It was strange but I didn’t feel disappointed once I had accepted to let go of the chance of a romantic relationship with her. However, as soon as I gave up chasing her, she began chasing me. This should’ve made me happy, after all it was what I wanted since we first met. In hindsight, I admit that her aggressiveness to pursue me once I had concluded the chase seemed rather peculiar. When I wanted a relationship with her she refused and when she finally wanted a relationship with me I should’ve refused.
Maria and I progressed relatively quickly in our relationship and within a few months I was moving in to her apartment in Kalamazoo. My parents had always taught me to never move in with a girl unless you are married first. I still remain dumbfounded with the fact that I could show such complete disregard for what my Father would think of that decision. I still fear my father now and would never dream of doing anything to disappoint him. It was as if I didn’t care what my parents or anyone thought concerning the lunacy of my actions and that my only concern was satisfying my not so better half. This desire to please Maria did not spring from a place of genuine affection, but more from a place of fear; a fear of having to deal with her reaction if she didn’t get what she wanted. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, I didn’t want to move into her chaotic situation, but for some reason I did. This was the beginning of the control she would ruthlessly wield over me for the next 3 years.
My whole life I have been a people pleaser, many times to a fault. The desire to be liked was my driving force to do what others wanted and to avoid any type of uncomfortable confrontation. This character flaw was not particularly damaging because I had yet to run across someone who would so blatantly take advantage of it. Maria knew that I would rarely speak my mind and that she could control me by her erratic emotional swings. It’s hard to deny someone when they cry uncontrollably or repeatedly threaten to commit suicide. I am sure this type of behavior would seem unstable, if not insane to someone on the outside looking in. Despite the pleas of my friends and family I would continue to stay with Maria. No matter the degree of insanity or the intensity of her emotional outbursts, I would stay. No matter how many times she would steal my car keys and wallet to prevent me from seeing my friends, I would stay. No matter how many times I was screamed at for not doing the dishes, I would stay. No matter how many times she...

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