He Who Farts Essay

961 words - 4 pages

He Who Farts Hard, Farts Loudest

Males, when it comes to farting, would undoubtedly be the dominant species between the two. We are the masters of dropping our lunch, letting it rip or whatever you prefer to call it. Don't you just love it when somebody lets of fart right in your proximity? These little fart particles are just like little Interceptors, flying through the air and targeting your nasal passages. Then they lock on and fire those stink missiles right up there and then you're your own worst enemy. You breathe in and you suck someone else's foul gas into your own lungs, which mixes in your own bloodstream. Someone ripping a fart is like a dog marking their territory inside your ...view middle of the document...

Even though all humans may try, many are unable to control their farts, no matter what the circumstances are. It's like it has a mind of its own. People that stand in tightly packed queues just hold and hold till the little Scottish guy controlling the valve in your buttocks engine room sends an emergency message to the bridge saying, "Captain! I just can't handle the pressure, she's gonna blow!" So you immediately take the standard evasive action and god knows, it's always the silent but violent that erupts from the bowls of your body. People are at first just standing there, then they start to twitch their noses and look around at the person behind them and start making a bit of a space between them and person in front. The person who did the dirty deed knows all this going on because they are continually looking around to see if anyone has caught them out, and if they have, are ready to immediately place the blame on someone else.
There are different effects of this nasal virus in different places. If it was at a high school lunch line and someone let it rip, fingers would be pointed and shirts would be pulled over noses. Now, if this happened back in good old upper class England, the people would just pretend that they smelt nothing as if they are immune to it all, but the trained eye knows better because excuses are made like, "Oh, I will just get a cup of tea dear."
Of course there always have to be the 'grunters' of the pig race who take to fart like an art. They are known to possess the secret power of harnessing the highly disgusting and stupid art of exploding their gases like an atomic bomb. When they...

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